I am seriously the happiest I have EVER been, and feel completely horrible all at the same time.
Mostly happiness is what fills my days though, so that is good.
All of the happiness is so wonderful; Brandon is amazing, our life is amazing, our house is amazing, our future is amazing, our love is AMAZING. It all makes me so happy!
And then I look in the mirror... and the horrible sets in. I actually don't even have to look in the mirror. It's just the way I feel sometimes... most of the time... ok, all of the time.
Now, I don't want anyone to think that because of how I feel that I look it is making the rest of my life unenjoyable because that it totally not the case. I am simply struggling with that part of my life and the rest is complete and utter bliss!
My husband is such a sweetheart. He tells me everyday that I am beautiful and that he loves this or that about me. He is such a wonderful man and I believe that he really does see me as he says. I just wish I saw myself the way he does.
Another thing that I must make clear: I do not dislike my body. I am super comfortable with my body type and the curves that I have. What I am not so comfortable with is jiggling when I brush my teeth or when we hit a speed bump in the car, or when I go on a walk and I can feel the friction between my thighs, or when I go to dance and I hit the floor so hard after a leap that it sounds like a baby elephant.
All that I want is for what I have to be toned. I'm not asking for something else. I'm not wanting to look like anyone but who I am. I just don't want who I am to have insulation.
I know what you are all thinking- So exercise if you want it so badly. Ok. I will. I walk everywhere, I do tons of yard work, I dance, and I try to eat pretty healthily. But it's hard to get to the gym everyday when you have things like homework, housework, cooking to do. All you wives out there know exactly what I am talking about. I just don't know why I am continuing to GAIN weight if my eating and exercising habits haven't changed.
It's frustrating. And it makes me feel horrible about myself.
Like I said, though, I have so much in my life that makes me so happy. Brandon is on the top of that list. And he loves me no matter what I look like. I would like to look nice for him, and for me, though.
I guess all I can do is keep trying...
Any suggestions, help, or encouragement is appreciated.
No comments:
Post a Comment