Considerably Short of Perfection

Obviously, no one is perfect. I don't expect myself to be perfect for I know that is an unrealistic expectation. However, I do expect myself to continually strive to be the absolute best person I can possibly be. I have always tried to be aware of the things that may be perceived as imperfections to myself or others and work to fix them as best as I can. I have recently been lovingly made aware of some imperfections that I seem to have overlooked. I apologize to those who have possibly been hurt by my oblivious actions. I am working to fix them... I promise. Also, if there is something that you feel is a fault of mine that has been hurting you or others, PLEASE make it known to me. I want to fix it. I will not be upset at you for telling me your concerns, on the contrary I will be grateful to you for being honest with me. No one likes to be told they are doing something wrong, but I will do my best to accept your concern and/or advise for what it is, help from a friend. Thank you for being patient with me.

Complete

Racing.

Zero to one hundred.

Low to high in a matter of seconds.

So beautifully overwhelming.

Feelings bursting from my heart

raging intensely on all ends of the spectrum.

Vast differences that I never knew were possible.

I have grown,

and love that the growing has not ceased.

I am becoming myself.

Knowing everything has a purpose

and I am part of a plan

gives me immeasurable comfort.

Every ache in my heart

has made the swelling happiness more prevalent.

The sweetness of my happiness

overpowers the bitterness of my sorrow.

One complimenting the other.

Without the wounds that cause scars,

the healing would not be as welcome.

Appreciation for the joys in my life

would not be as great.

There are times I hurt,

yet I am happy.

The circle of emotions is eternal.

One emotion influencing the other.

But I love it all.

I am grateful for the pain.

Without it

life would not be complete;

My happiness would not be complete.

But it is.

The Love's Of My Life (50 of them!)

1. The Church
2. My family
3. My friends
4. Dancing
5. Singing
6. Acting
7. Playing the piano
8. Drawing
9. Smooth black pens
10. Crafts
11. Building things
12. Driving
13. Ice cream
14. Chocolate
15. Peanut butter
16. Reading
17. My Bands (Coldyplay, Death Cab for Cutie, Paramore, Weezer, and Relient K)
18. Running
19. Baseball
20. Shooting
21. Photography
22. The Office
23. Pixar (or Dreamworks or anything animated like that) Moives
24. My laptop
25. Music
26. My Ipod
27. Bread
28. Sushi
29. Comic book Superheros
30. Painting
31. Technical theater
32. Sweats
33. Converse
34. Laughing
35. My cell phone
36. Fruit
37. Seattle
38. Rainy weather
39. Sunshine
40. Huge, comfy blankets
41. Cuddling
42. Kissing
43. Holding hands
44. Hiking
45. Sleeping
46. Answered prayers
47. Quotes
48. My dogs, and Kaya and Oakley
49. Stars
50. M.B.G.

Missing

I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss laughing with you. I miss growling at each other. I miss being silly together. I miss cuddling with you. I miss holding your hands. I miss your smell. I miss the color of your eyes. I miss the scratch of your 5:00 shadow on my chin. I miss your arms around my waist. I miss our tickle fights. I miss quoting Disney movies with you. I miss falling asleep on the couch with you. I miss watching movies with you. I miss driving with you. I miss walking on campus with you. I miss sitting with you in the institute. I miss the warmth of you next to me. I miss randomly matching you. I miss having lunch with you. I miss playing with the dogs with you. I miss talking to you. I miss doing homework with you. I miss Lloyd. I miss watching you fall asleep when we watch movies. I miss your sleep talking. I miss taking pictures with you. I miss your silly faces. I miss your mission stories. I miss you kissing my cheek and forhead. I miss going to visit your mom in her office with you. I miss us teasing each other. I miss peanut butter and agave sandwiches made by you. I miss playing air guitar to our favorite songs. I miss singing guitar solos at the top of our lungs. I miss you asking me to stay a little longer. I miss playing card games with you. I miss our inside jokes. I miss spending time together for no reason. I miss going on doubles with you and your mission friends, or Jace and Tanya. I miss just sitting with you and not doing anything. I miss watching you do math. I miss chilling in your kitchen with you and your family. I miss the sound of your alarm on your phone telling me it's time to go home. I miss going to your soccer games with you. I miss your smile. I miss the wrinkles around your eyes and mouth when you smile. I miss the softness of your cheeks. I miss playing with your hair. I miss your pointed ears. I miss hearing you call me sweetheart and baby. I miss calling you baby. I miss hearing you speak Spanish. I miss telling you to kiss me in Spanish. I miss you trying to teach me Spanish. I miss meeting up with you in the Browning Center even if it's only to see each other for 2 minutes. I miss giving you rides to school. I miss your Benji voice. And I miss so much more. I miss so much...

"When the truth is

That I miss you.

Yeah, the truth is

That I miss you so."

- Coldplay

Old....?

The other day, my youngest sister Chloe (7) was watching one of the classic Disney movies. One of the previews before the movie said, "Coming to you Spring of 1998!" I was in my bathroom brushing my hair and heard Chloe say, "1998?! That was forever ago!" I laughed at this. After I told Chloe that I had was 8 years old in 1998 she looked at me and said, "Wow Linds, you're old!" Another thing that she said that really cracked me up was when she was looking at the dates on Caitlin's phone and she said, "Your phone goes back to the 19's?!" This was weird for me to hear cause, obviously, I was born in the "19's". But to Chloe, who was born in 2001, 1990 seems like forever ago. All she has ever known is the 2000's.

Obviously I am not old. I am 19 and still have much life to live, but what Chloe said really got me thinking about some things.

1. Time really does fly. When you're in the middle of it or you're waiting for something to happen it seems like a minute lasts forever, but when you think back on your life, look how quickly the time seems to have passed. It doesn't pass any faster than anyone else's time here; an hour is still an hour. But when you look in the mirror do you really expect to see the person you see? Or do you expect a little 7 year old to smile back at you? I sometimes catch myself thinking, "That's not me," when I look in the mirror. It just goes to show that you have to make every minute count, because once it's gone it's gone, and the minutes pass quickly.
2. It is amazing the growth that technology has seen in just my short lifetime. I was watching Parent Trap (the new version with Lindsay Lohan) with a friend tonight and one of the girls at the camp says, "Oh no! I have like no service up here!" and she's holding this brick of a cell phone. It's so crazy to me how much I have seen in my lifetime, from the growth of computers, cell phones, and ipods, to the changes of style that seem to be reverting back to what my mom wore in high school. This age in which we live is truly fascinating. We have so many opportunities before us and so many things to help us and so much technology at our disposal. We would be foolish not to be grateful and use all of the resources available to us.
3. There are so many things from my childhood that seem to be nonexistent now. For example, Looney Tunes. I'm sure that there are still showings of the classic Looney Tunes cartoons on Boomerang and stuff, but I remember when waking up to watch Saturday morning cartoons was watching Buggs Bunny and Daffy Duck. I'm pretty sure that Chloe doesn't even know who any of the Looney Tunes characters are. Another thing is VHS. It is still pretty prevalent in many homes, but lots of little kids only know DVDs. Yet another thing is playing outside... This is really sad for me. A few months ago I was driving and I saw a billboard saying, "Get out and play and hour a day!" How sad is that? They have to tell kids to go outside and play. When I was little, that's all we did was play outside. There are so many things that have changed from when I was a child. I hope that I can show Chloe those things, or teach my future children about them, so that they are not forgotten or lost.

Mind Over Matter

I want a baby fridge for my room. Not because I want to hoard my food from the rest of the family (OK, well maybe I do want to do that a little) but also because I want to be able to more easily control my eating options. I feel that if I limit myself to eating only the food in my little fridge or in my personal self on the pantry or something like that, and all of those food choices are healthy, that I will eat better. Obviously, I could just have a little more self control and eat better, but I know me... and I know that I'll do that for a few days, and then I will eat whatever I want after just because I'm tempted by it sitting there in front of me in the fridge. Dumb, I know. I really want to get to the point where I crave healthy foods instead of brownies and chocolate chip cookies. I want to be able to truly have control over what my body wants and what I put into it.

I also want to be more active. My ADD brain can't make myself do the same work out every day, or even go to the same gym every day. I get so sick of it. So, I have devised a plan. I have made a list of things that I like to do (and a few empty spaces to add things if I find more) that require physical exertion and will get me going. My goal is to do AT LEAST one of those a day. I have made a chart, and I am going to be keeping track. Hopefully I will be able to do more than one of them a day, and up my over all activity level. Honestly, I don't believe that you have to kick your own butt at the gym every single day to be fit. I know that hardcore working out is good for you sometimes, and that you need it; I plan on still keeping it a part of my life, but I'm not going to bore myself with the every day monotony of it.

It it worth it to me to be healthy and fit. I don't feel the need to be accepted by other people and have other people think that I'm skinny, or whatever. However, I do want to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about what I see looking back at me. I don't feel horrible about how I look now, in fact, I'm pretty OK with it, but it can be better, and I know it can be better. Why settle if I know that I can be better than what I am? I want to be the best me I can be; spiritually, mentally, and physically.

I can control my body. Mind over matter.

GOALS:

1. To drop 10 lbs. by April 1st, 2010.

2. To eat no more than 1800 calories a day.

3. To fill my life with healthier food choices and more activity, ultimately training myself to lead a healthier lifestyle.

4. To get my 6 pack back.

5. To over all tone up, and increase my strength level.

Beautiful Day!

Yesterday was a slightly difficult day for me, it being the day before Valentine's Day and all, but it was still a good day. I am so grateful for fantastic friends, awesome sisters, and a loving mother who help me get through the rough days. One of my best friends, Quacee, and I went to go see a movie called Valentine's Day together because neither of us had Valentines. I'm very OK with him being my pretend Valentine. If I can't have a real one, I wouldn't have anyone else be my fake one! The movie was really cute. It gave me hope for my future Valentine's Days. After the movie Quacee and I chatted, then I drove home. It's always nice to talk to Quacee, especially cause he and I have very similar views on many things. When I got home, my sister Caitlin and I decided that we were going to watch a movie together. My mom brought both of us down a heart shaped box of really delicious chocolates, and Caitlin and I spent the next half hour trying out different flavors. After we both felt sufficiently fat, we popped in a Beatles movie that we have and had a great time. I love the people in my life so much. I don't know what I would do without them.

Another thing that has made this Valentine's Day a little easier for me is the fact that I have THE CUTEST little brother in the world. He is seriously my little buddy and I would do absolutely anything for him. He and I have a connection that I can't explain, and even though we rarely see each other, he still considers me his favorite, which makes me so happy. He is 7 and his name is Lee. In his class at school, they made Valentines for their parents. Lee made his for me. So, for the first time in 19 years, I have a Valentine. Sort of.

This morning, I woke up feeling better than I had expected to. I had no trouble getting out of bed (or couch, since that's where Caitlin and I slept) and got ready quickly. Church was great. We had an awesome lesson on Jesus Christ in Relief Society, another fantastic lesson on what it means to be an Adult and ways that we can truly become self reliant and stuff like that in Young Single Adults, and had many great talks about Love in sacrament meeting. It was really great. I especially enjoyed the lesson in YSA and the talk about being a mother in sacrament meeting.

This little girl named Rian, who is so freaking adorable, came over and sat with me for the last 15 minutes of church. She is 3 and probably the cutest little girl I have ever seen. I pretty much adore her. It made my day to have her sit with me!

On the way home from church I listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD that I borrowed from Max. Nearer My God To Thee was playing, which happens to be one of my favorite hymns, and it was warm enough that I could roll the windows down (though, I still kept the heat on a little). The breeze was blowing the sweet air into my car, and as I drove, listening to the hymn, I was able to truly appreciate the beauty of the Earth. I am so grateful for it and for the beauty of the place in which I live.

Most of all I am grateful for My Heavenly Father, and Savior. They have helped me through so much. I know that they want what is best for me and that if I follow the will of the Lord that I will be truly happy and have the needful things of life. I am trying my best to do the will of the Lord and be patient in receiving the answers to my prayers. I know that my prayers will be answered, but on the Lord's time, not my own.

One thing that I am still trying to apply in my life is this: "Counting time is not so important as making time count." Also: "The future lies before me; it can be wonderful if I make it so."